Halloween is not one of my favorite holidays, but as soon as the calendar turns to November, it indicates that Christmas is almost here. Since my oldest daughter Harper was born, we take out our Christmas decorations right after Halloween because I was home on maternity leave and had the time to decorate. Since then, it has become a tradition to enjoy the holiday season by embracing all things Christmas as soon as the leaves fall.
Halloween has also marked some significant life events. On Halloween in 2008, I called in sick for the first time in my career. I had the stomach flu and had a long list of wedding tasks to take care of - including getting our marriage license. Josh stayed home, too, and we ended up getting legally married and crossing off one of the major and, perhaps, the most legally significant tasks left on our wedding agenda. Halloween is also the day that we received a frantic phone call from our children's pediatrician that Jordan most likely had cystic fibrosis. In 2017, our lives forever changed as we received a phone call that every person fears receiving. After hanging up the phone and frantically Googling CF, I remember moving through the motions and attempting to "do Halloween" with three small children dressed in Monsters Inc. costumes huddled around me on the couch. We went to houses, said Trick or Treat, took the pictures and went through the motions.
Every year, as Halloween approaches, I reflect on the masks we often wear - masking our feelings, masking from COVID, masking to cover up or hide from what scares us. For so long, I coped with Jordan's diagnosis, the pandemic, and really any fears of being a parent by filling my days and schedule to capacity. I scheduled every second, so I didn't have time to process the pain and fear that I was living with. The bustle of a full day masked and suppressed my fears. However, the busyness of being a teacher, coach, friend, and more made me feel like a less-than-adequate mom. If I was busy being everything to everyone else, could I be an adequate mom? Society often expects women to juggle many roles, and it also expects them to excel in all of them.
I gave up a few parts of my life I loved this year because I thought it would make a statement that my family came first. By limiting myself and conforming to a role that others expected me to play, I would make myself more of a mom. For several months, I felt pressure from almost every person in my life to pull back and refocus on my family. What I learned in this process is that by denying who I am and attempting to remove parts of myself, I would become what I feared most. I would become less-than-adequate. By listening to this invisible pressure to fulfill society's expectations or to show that I would put my family first, I lost myself. Still, in doing so, I unknowingly removed a mask I didn't even realize I was wearing. Masking my fear with positivity and joy, I was able to play a part that allowed me not to process the deep-seated pain I had endured. Through this painful process, I have rediscovered myself.
Halloween is a time to try on and play out different roles in life. We ask children to imagine what might be, and we can embrace those possibilities as well. If we think of a superhero like Superman, who is continually asked to save the world, we imagine a character with infinite strength flying through the sky. We don't often associate with or think about his other role - Clark Kent. He is both a superhero and an ordinary person working as a journalist. He plays many roles, both of which have value and impact the world. Superman can play both roles well, and in fact, in many iterations, he longs for the role that many deem less valuable or less impactful. I understand Clark's desire to serve quietly - not wanting to take credit or stand before flashing lights. I also understand that his power is not limited to just one role or one path. This character often works against societal expectations to hide his superhero identity.
Through my own evolution this fall - losing and rediscovering myself, I have learned that I do not have to give up parts of myself to still be my version of supermom. My kids are the greatest gift in the world to Josh and me. Whether we are driving to dance class, crawling into Harper’s bottom bunk after an incredibly full day, or falling asleep at the fall play (Jordan did reluctantly fall asleep at the fall play this year - even though his version of superhero high school pals were onstage), we are a team ready to tackle our ever-growing to-do lists. What others might not understand or see as valuable can still hold value for me - for us. In fact, I learned that it is okay to move at superspeed if that is what fuels my work and passions. There are no limits to what we are capable of - regardless of what societal expectations may imply.
This fall, my church asked me to speak on the future of our faith, which, again, has caused me to consider what might be. Our love, like God's love, is not finite. Our love and our capacity for joy are abundant, but only when we are true to ourselves - when we recognize our gifts and use them with intent. We are not put on this earth to fulfill someone else's definition of who we were meant to be. Instead, we must follow our individual callings. We do not have to mask or hide who we are to fit someone else's plan.
My children, who are three of the most joyful people I have been blessed to know, have shown me and continue to show me that it is vital to be unapologetically ourselves. Despite their circumstances, my children remind me to find the good and that it is okay to put one thousand things on our to-do lists.
Jordan has spent the last six years of his life in and out of doctors' appointments, hooked up to a chest compression device, and taking countless pills to grow and thrive. His joy and love are gifts innately within him but also a reflection of all the people he has been fortunate to meet so far. He doesn't ever say no or turn away from an experience that brings him joy. He dances to his own beat and does not conform. He's defied many odds and continues to tackle any obstacle set before him unwaveringly. May we all continue to remember to find that inner joy, radiate love, and remember that we are capable of so much more than what the world might tell us.
Take off the mask this Halloween. You are enough.
